The Truth Remains Lethal

Wrong

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. There was a weight on me that usually creeps up during test time. After the tests are over, it's easy for that pressure to lift as I no longer have any immediate worries.

I thought it was because I hadn't seen or spoken to my friends for a while, believing something was wrong with me. But as if on cue, I hung out with people this week more than the entire month of September. The pressure was temporarily lifted yesterday when Lazaro and I played Beatles: Rock Band.

But then it crescendos today while I'm in class. My first class, my cognition class. I'm randomly daydreaming and holding my breath hoping for the class to end. When it finally does, I breathe easy again... However, the moment I sit down in my Bio class. It returns with a vengeance. Not having seen Paula, just knowing she is the same room causes my stomach and esophagus to tighten. Breathing becomes more difficult than it has ever been. Then that pressure is suddenly on my heart, causing it to beat faster and more strained as if there is a sheet wire mesh tightening around it, hindering what should be an effortless function.

Class ends and everyone is crowding around the podium to retrieve papers and I stand behind waiting for the mayhem to die down. When Paula walks out of the mob. She looks uncomfortable and awkward. She barely sputters out a hesitant greeting before dropping the smile and rushing out.

I'm currently holding my breath knowing that Music is not too far away.

Tried to develop a few theories. Believing that maybe the antsiness in cognition is because I cannot wait to see Paula in my next class. And then when I arrive in Bio, it's just nerves. I suppose it is my body's residual reaction that I haven't been able to break free from yet in light of the new circumstances.

As for Paula's awkward behavior... I think she's discovered my crush for her and attempting to break any bond we had. Why do I always chase away anyone that I may have an attraction to? Am I really that fucking gruesome? ... or is there really something wrong with me?

Either way, after this entire ordeal, I'm pretty convinced that something is wrong with me on many levels. It seems pretty irreparable at this point and any sort of hope and/or potential happiness I could have had should be gone.

I'm not even sure I should go to music. How can I learn and retain any of this information while I'm feeling like this?

Farewell.

Overthinking

Sitting alone in the ITS lab again. I think I'd rather be in here than have my laptop. It gives me an excuse to be around people, makes it easier than constantly searching for an empty area. Surge just left about a half hour ago. I basically kept him here under the notion that Paul would get out of class around 3:15, when I met him here around 1:30. Paul ended up skipping class and going over to Westland mall. 

I have a massive headache and I'm not quite sure that I really want to go to Stats... I fucking hate it in there. I know the material... it's fairly straightfoward, therefore giving me time to think. Thinking results in overthinking, and then I'm depressed. That's happened twice already. It culminated in me writing a makeshift entry with pencil and paper both times, attempting to assess my feelings. I don't think I've done that in quite some time. 

I managed to force myself to skip that class on Thursday, when I decided to drive over to Maria's. It felt good... being with a friend and away from that class. I can't avoid it forever... Plus, it's my longest class, weighing in at 4 credits. So I definitely can't miss it that often... I don't know. I guess it's something to do with it being late at night. 

Farewell. 

High school blues...

I fucking hate this feeling. Starting over in a brand new school, with the intent to make friends... I start feeling like that pathetic, insecure, fifteen-year-old that I felt like I've long since left behind for good. But apparently not. 

At UM, I had no intention of making friends. I could care less. I mean it was nice when I could actually speak, as opposed to keeping my mouth sealed all day. Aside from professors and the occasional question/ obligatory work group, I never said a word all day. I didn't mind it either. I had no problem. I was standoffish and I paid no attention to anyone else. My mind was set on school and it didn't matter to me.

Having started socializing with my co-workers at UM, I guess I tasted what it was like to have friends in school again. To be purely social, with no mutual contempt for the person in the effort to maintain a grade. 

Therefore, throughout that three month gap of complete despair where I just had no fucking luck with a job, I realized I was fucking lonely. I wanted more friends. New friends... not that I don't appreciate what I have... but I guess I just wanted more. It was my time to indulge in greed. I needed to meet people. For the first time in years, I wasn't satisfied with my social situation. I was squirming in my position. 

Having re-evaluated myself, I figure maybe with FIU I could re-connect with friends from my past or at least make new ones. But no. 

I get that same fucking feeling of inferiority, bitterness, and loneliness. Just clamoring for social interaction with anyone around, not receiving it, and then sitting and watching everyone around me chattering, while I look on in silence. 

It doesn't help that I saw Paula and attempted to wave to her, for her not to wave back. Maybe she didn't see me... I don't know. I still felt like an idiot.

How do I help myself?

Farewell. 

QotD: RIP MJ

What's your favorite Michael Jackson song? Bonus points if you share the video.

As it stands, it's "Scream."

Michael Jackson - Scream

Close second is "Dirty Diana."

Michael Jackson - Dirty Diana

QotD: Disney Musicals: My Favorite Song

What's your favorite song from a Disney movie?

Hands down, "Friend Like Me" - Robin Williams as Genie, Aladdin

Friend Like Me - Genie

Robin Williams is absolutely genius in this song. You can tell how much fun he's genuinely having. The animation sequence that follows is just superb. I can't even describe how much fun this song is.

Farewell.

QotD: Inspiration

Where is the most inspirational place you have been?
Submitted by Seventh Rain

The playground by my house. The best time to go would be when the sun is just setting and it's completely empty. The air of the entire area just gives me an indescribable feeling that I have yet to find a match. The landscape is beautiful and the playground in of itself has an incredible air to it. It's not very big and confined by a gate, but it makes me at home. Here is the place where more than anything, I want time to stop, so that I can revel in it.  Here, I feel at peace with the world.

Farewell.

QotD: Crush Confession

On whom did you have your most embarrassing/scariest crush?
Submitted by Jillzey.

A little redundant, but I feel I have something to say.

By far, it had to have been Mercedes. I don't believe there's any doubt about that. It was highly pathetic to find me in a permanent state of brooding or EMO. My Junior year would have been fantastic if not burdened by this crush. I actually thought I was in love. Now I'm going to heed my friends when they say I definitely don't know love.

Farewell.

QotD: Looking Back...

What part of your childhood do you miss the most?
Submitted by Maretta.

Easiest answer for this would be the lack of responsibilities. Right now, as the pressure to become an adult weighs pretty heavily on my shoulders, I miss just being a kid, not worrying about a thing in the world except if I miss my favorite show or I did my homework. Everything just seemed so easy to deal with when nothing had any real weight to it.

Farewell.

QotD: Fictional Friend

What fictional character do you relate to most and why?

I just happened to catch this one by off-chance and I'm glad I did. It would probably be Mousse from Ranma 1/2. Mousse is a complete dork and an underdog that's constantly chasing after one girl, aptly named Shampoo. He's completely and utterly in love with her while Shampoo will pay absolutely no attention and is in love the main character. Shampoo constantly abuses him, in so many ways, he's been through all types of hell, but he never gives up on her. He was willing to give his life many times to protect her, despite the fact that she never returned his love. I feel like this is me to an exaggerated extent. Always in love and willing to do anything, when the love remains unrequited.

Mousse and shampoo

Farewell.

The Bureaucracy of Higher Education

Here I am, awaiting an Advisement appointment for a school that I no longer wish to attend. I am literally here against my will, at this point. I'm not even sure if I will be able to continue attending as easily.

FIU has decided to make a brand new policy when I decide to transfer, that requires 60 credits, approximately the equivalent of two years at another school. It literally is brand-spanking new because when I called explaining my situation and wanting a change of entry date, as since my application was still active, they just notified me to send a letter. A few days letter, after sending my letter, I called to confirm if they've received it. They had received it and informed me that the status of my request was still in progress that I should check back for updates. I proceed to do so, until the following week, when they tell that they, in fact, did not receive my letter and that I should fax it. So I faxed it as instructed. I called the a couple days letter to re-confirm the fax, but after explaining my situation for what seems like the 6th time, they proceeded to tell me that policies have changed and that I could not transfer unless I did have the 60 credits. At this point, I'm bewildered because here I am diligently trying to get my letter to them and obtaining updates about it, only to find that this was all for naught and that I had just called a few weeks ago when I received no indication of this policy.

Ah...

This leaves me stranded in UM until the Fall '09 semester, which is ridiculous. FIU has the ideal conditions for me to be attending and I hope this isn't an indicator of how they do things there.

On top of all this, I am no longer eligible for the Pell Grant.

Farewell.