Wrong

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. There was a weight on me that usually creeps up during test time. After the tests are over, it's easy for that pressure to lift as I no longer have any immediate worries.

I thought it was because I hadn't seen or spoken to my friends for a while, believing something was wrong with me. But as if on cue, I hung out with people this week more than the entire month of September. The pressure was temporarily lifted yesterday when Lazaro and I played Beatles: Rock Band.

But then it crescendos today while I'm in class. My first class, my cognition class. I'm randomly daydreaming and holding my breath hoping for the class to end. When it finally does, I breathe easy again... However, the moment I sit down in my Bio class. It returns with a vengeance. Not having seen Paula, just knowing she is the same room causes my stomach and esophagus to tighten. Breathing becomes more difficult than it has ever been. Then that pressure is suddenly on my heart, causing it to beat faster and more strained as if there is a sheet wire mesh tightening around it, hindering what should be an effortless function.

Class ends and everyone is crowding around the podium to retrieve papers and I stand behind waiting for the mayhem to die down. When Paula walks out of the mob. She looks uncomfortable and awkward. She barely sputters out a hesitant greeting before dropping the smile and rushing out.

I'm currently holding my breath knowing that Music is not too far away.

Tried to develop a few theories. Believing that maybe the antsiness in cognition is because I cannot wait to see Paula in my next class. And then when I arrive in Bio, it's just nerves. I suppose it is my body's residual reaction that I haven't been able to break free from yet in light of the new circumstances.

As for Paula's awkward behavior... I think she's discovered my crush for her and attempting to break any bond we had. Why do I always chase away anyone that I may have an attraction to? Am I really that fucking gruesome? ... or is there really something wrong with me?

Either way, after this entire ordeal, I'm pretty convinced that something is wrong with me on many levels. It seems pretty irreparable at this point and any sort of hope and/or potential happiness I could have had should be gone.

I'm not even sure I should go to music. How can I learn and retain any of this information while I'm feeling like this?

Farewell.